I know my strengths and my weaknesses and I have made allies of them both. I have felt the wrath of the Lord of Time and in his terrible wake I have learned to use time purposefully.
I have stretched and strained against a skin that was too tight. But in the weariness of my surrender to its necessary structure, I have marveled at what was birthed from its metamorphic cocoon.
I have remained steadfast on my spiritual path and when the Darkest night of my Soul’s searching pulled me into the chasm of doubt, I listened to the truth of my heart.
I have known failure and have been the intimate companion of the false pride and ego that covered those tracks. I sought the comfort of superiority to hide the shame of inadequacy. And in each place of comfort I have fallen further from my true self. Age has taught me the transparency of this pride and dues that are to be paid to feed its illusion.
I have embraced the Dark Mother and become her instrument when needed and although every action taken was not guided by wisdom’s hand the knowledge of my fragile emotions taught me the wisdom of compassion.
I have listened when I did not want to and found that what I imagined to be the empty space of my knowing was abundantly filled.
I have expressed my truth loudly and boldly, when perhaps I should have remained silent. And I have been silent when standing up for myself would have produced a better outcome.
I have seen the best and worst in myself and allow each to flow in accord with the stream of my heart. That stream has carried me to places unexpected and at times the dams that caused rerouting were placed there by my own intention.
I have the writings of my youth etched into the body that has become a Mother and protectress of what I created. The Crone has spoken her words to me along every step of my journey, even at the time before word was my own and the strength of tiny legs would carry me into her arms.
I have crossed the Gates of Time and my actions have made intentions that brought me to places I had never thought would be revealed. And, all the while I stood at the center of the chaos I had created in striving too far and too soon.
Now I understand. Now I see the order of my own sacred Universe and no longer do I fear the remaking of what I will become. The imprint of my life will forever be encoded within the passing of the aeons and the memory of my existence will seed the creation of what is my legacy. I willingly step into this cocoon of rebirthing as the next journey of my life’s adventure unfolds and when the time is readied and the vessel has been rendered whole, I will emerge as the butterfly , gossamer wings of graceful beating carried on the current of a life well-experienced…….
I share this writing with you, as the transiting planet Saturn aligns exactly with my natal Saturn tomorrow. This is my second Saturn return and one that in this iteration, and because Saturn moved through a series of Retrogrades, passed over this “sweet” spot 3 times.
For those of you not familiar with what a Saturn Return means, here are the basics. The planet Saturn is equated with the archetypes of time, Karma and crossing Thresholds, to name a few. This work is typified by rigid structure and a restoration of order to what has been or could become chaotic and random. Traditionally, there is not a whole lot of flexibility in the demands of Saturn, but this necessary constriction actually does provide a greater level of opportunistic flexibility that is the effect of reining everything in. Imagine a whirling bowl of candies and you have your intention set on just the piece you want. It would be much more difficult to grab on to if there was no structure to contain it (the bowl). And, regardless that the candies are spinning and not a still point of retrieval, if you slow down (time), center and focus (your internal structure) you will eventually be able to discern the patterns occurring (flexibility in patience and observation) that will provide just the right moment to reach in and grab (retrieval on the threshold) what you desire.
The “return” occurs when transiting Saturn comes to rest at its exact position-house and degree – as it was in your natal chart at the time of your birth; approx. every 29-31yrs. Most will have at least two Saturn returns (ages 29-31 and 58-62) in a lifetime. These life markers are often denoted by a prominent change of events. For instance, when I was 29 I had my first child, which caused a modification of my dancing career and by age 31, I was pregnant with Twins, which ended it completely and made me a stay-at-home Mom. I had identified myself as a dancer from a very young age so this sudden and final removal of it from my life, not to mention that I no longer had the thin body of a dancer, which I had finally controlled, did a real number on who I thought myself to be. I loved being home with our children and in looking back, that first pregnancy probably saved me physically since anorexia was preying heavily and having another life to be responsible for forced me to restructure, rethink and start eating. The four children that followed each brought their own blessing and a new realization of who I was in many settings and the impact of that self on others.
At the time of this Saturn return, all 5 of our children have graduated college (they were 5 under 5), and all within a short period of time. Three have moved to the West Coast (we live on the East) with the other 2 soon to follow to destinations unknown pursuing people and animal medicine. This has not only left an empty nest and very quiet house, but also the endings of the way in which we interacted with our children; no longer children but, adults. This has been an adjustment in knowing when to step in and when it is simply overstepping my bounds. Another point of redefining who I am in their world and finding that place within my own. A new job presented itself with more responsibility and a greater learning curve and the leaving behind of my previously isolated work setting to interaction constantly. Basically, I am a loner. Just following the first pass of this return, I embraced the unexpected opportunity to leave the Coven that was the first home of 18 years within our Tradition and form the 12th Coven of that Tradition. The final passing of this second Saturn return, punctuating 10 months of planning, additional teaching and more in preparation for a smooth transition in the next several months. Again, another make-over, forcing me into networking and starting all over again with a new group of people, circumstances and flow.
Remember I said that the Saturn return will also play out in the House where that planet resides in your birth chart? Saturn and my natal Moon (emotional landscape and processing) are both in my Fifth House- the House of Creative Endeavors. Now think about my two experiences with Saturn’s return. All are at the emotional level dealing with those things that have/are the creative products of my life. Pretty cool, huh!
During the time of your Saturn return, you receive a double helping of imminent order and change- whether you wish it or not. This is where we can either see the container as half empty or half full, the former usually being the perspective that has denoted this phase of our life’s journey as the “dreaded” Saturn return. I choose to see it as a time to tidy up house, reassess, actively and purposefully surrender to the process and see what new opportunities emerge as potential. And, in the process implement the adage, “Know Thyself”.
With these thoughts in mind, I have actively been engaged in preparation for this event for several years leading up to it. I also knew that there would be three times of agitation and stirring up the foundations. The first occurred in the Winter of 2014 – the second this Spring and now this final conjunction in the Fall; fully thrust into the power of Three. I see this as the co-joining of the Crone calling to herself the memory of the Maiden and the nurturing of the Mother. Each of these points opportunities to review, refine and look through the lens of objective time to re-structure what my focus will be moving forward.
Much of what we attribute Saturn’s energy to is based upon the Ancient Roman God, Saturnus. He was revered as a god of generation, dissolution, plenty, periodic renewal(birth) and liberation (death). Saturnalia was his Festival, held in December and was a time of feasting and revelry. Eventually, Saturn became associated with Chronos – “Father Time”, the passing or changing of the aeons as one supplanted the other. Any change in time causes disruption and the amount of that disruption is largely dependent upon how much order and structure is enforced to cause it to proceed “just so”.
Another perspective of Saturn is that of its placement on the Qabalistic Tree of Life and the sphere of Binah. Binah is one of the three that form the Supernal Triangle representing the active principle of creation. Binah is considered the Great Mother. She is the womb of container that holds the seed of potential and it is Her structure and order that in time and if viable begins the journey towards manifest form in the last sphere of Malkuth. For those of you not familiar with Qabalah I have listed some resources at the end, but for now all you need is that concept of the Creatrix.
The Gates of Saturn
I am Jove’s partner
Without me all would dissipate into the ether.
Structure order boundary and container
Are all creations of my domain.
I have seen aeons pass and know each
Of the secrets that have been carefully hidden from view.
I am record keeper and guardian of destiny
And those who are not mindful of the depth of
My perception will remain forever on the wheel.
I speak the sacred words~ the unutterable~
Heard only by those who have remained constant
And vigilant throughout the tests of time.
I am held tightly within the womb of the Great Mother
And stand as witness at humanity’s rebirth.
The final mystery is revealed and mind and heart shall be one.
A Time of Grace
Think now on the concepts of Father Time and Mother Creatrix. Parents, if you will who are responsible for creating the proper environment for their creations to thrive, grow and experience life’s lessons. If done well, this is a process of knowing when to tighten up and when to leave more room for exploration, also implying falls, cuts, bruises, joys and sorrows. What emerges from these periodic spurts is a newly refined creation, that has the weight of past experience now ready to inform the choices made in the present and moving into the future.
So, I have accepted Saturn’s return as an opportunity to shed the outworn excuses, fumbles and missteps and carry forward the timeliness of seeing myself as one who has with grace and intention navigated all the changes life has gifted me.
Resources:
Temple of the Sun: Capricorn
A Tree of Highs and Lows
Time to Clean House: Saturn Retrograde
Loosening It’s Hold: Saturn Direct
Qabalah: Just the Basics
Geburah’s Might: Part One
The Dark Night of the Soul
Temple of the Cosmic Spheres 